Monday, February 28, 2011

Coming in Last

Why do we put ourselves last?

Actually, I think the real question here is: Is last place the worst place?

I will often panic during competitions when I think I might come in last. I will fight and claw my way to any other position OTHER than last. Second to last? Fine. As long as I'm not DEAD LAST.

Last January my workplace had a Biggest Loser competition. Perfect place for a girl with Disordered Eating, right? Apparently I thought so too, because I was first in line to hand in my entry money.

"Weight loss competition? I got it. Please. These people are amatuers. I've been dieting since I was eight! Not a problem." So I handed in my money and got excited for the first weigh in. "This might be fun," I thought. "I'll happily take my coworker's money."

Week One came. Everyone weighed in privately with a non competing coworker, who recorded the weights and was going to let us know who was in the lead. Everything was private, and I didn't really have any concerns. After all, even if I didn't win, it's not like everyone would know if I came in last, right?

Wow. I couldn't have been more wrong. Next day I walk into the Teacher's Lounge and hanging on the wall is a 3' by 2' POSTER with every one's results. HOLY. CRAP. It had a space for the entire 8 weeks of the competition, so every week everyone would be able to see who had lost weight, who had gained, and who had stayed the same.

Also? Who was in last place.


I guess it could have been worse.

I actually won the first week. Like I said, professional dieter over here. Need me to not eat for a week? No problem. But sustain it? For eight weeks? Not gonna happen. Add the pressure of not coming in last place? I don't think I could DESIGN a more perfect storm of binge eating and excess stressing.

Weeks Two and Three came. I stayed the same, not a single ounce lost. Everyone else was making good progress towards their goal, and I sitting in a corner in the fetal position, messing up any chance I had at winning because I was so worried about coming in last.

Week Four. I gained a pound. And guess what? DEAD. LAST.

Over the next four weeks of the competition I stressed out and exercised myself into exhaustion. I didn't think I had a chance to win, but I just didn't want to end up in last place. ANYTHING but last place. Ended up second to last, with a five pound weight loss and a loose grip on reality.

I made myself sick just so I wouldn't be at the bottom of the barrel. Why? Why is coming in last the worst possible place to be?

Mr. Muggles doesn't think so.


At Crossfit, I'll look at the Whiteboard at the beginning, middle and end of a workout, just so I can estimate where I'll end up compared to everyone else. If I sense it's going to be last, I panic. I'll whine. I'll push. And if there's no chance? I'll give up. Because apparently just getting a good workout isn't enough. Nope, I need to not be in that last position. Nothing else is good enough.

I often walk into a room and look around. Am I the fattest one here? The ugliest? The dumbest? Why must I compare myself to others for self worth? Why do I have to be "better" than someone in order to be "better" in my own mind? Why can't I just be my best ME, regardless of anyone else?

Who cares if I'm dead last? I'm still first in my own race.

2 comments:

  1. I tell myself all the time that I don't care where I come in, but I also find myself peeking at the white board. In general, it's just to get an idea of how long the workouts last, but realistically, I'm ranking myself. I think it may just be part of our society. We compare. Keeping up with the Joneses and all that. I suppose it can be looked at as healthy if it encourages you to push yourself and make yourself better, but if you obsess you can create problems for yourself. I often wish the whiteboard wasn't such a part of CF. I think a lot of people, particularly beginning CFers would feel better if it was abolished.

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  2. I totally agree - it's a part of you society, and I think it sometimes helps in CF to push you. Isn't that the point? BUT - when it becomes the ONLY point, that's when the problems arise. Also, it discredits the cycle of working out - no one should go 100% at all times. Four weeks on, one week off; six weeks on, two weeks off, etc. The white board JUST shows the numbers, just like the scale JUST shows your weight. There are a lot of other factors that go into a healthy, well rounded person!

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