Sunday, October 2, 2011

Let's Talk

So, remember, way back when, when I started a blog, then promptly stopped writing in it? Yeah, about that.

Anyways, I guess I felt like I had exposed so much of myself, at such a fast pace, that I needed to slow down. Which then translated into stopping.

Also? I might have ran out of things to write about.

So fast forward to three and a half months ago. Following my very specific and controlled life plan, I got pregnant. YAY! I had visions of healthy eating, minimal weight gain, drama free pregnancy that included working out until the day I gave birth, and looking super hot while doing it.

Have I mentioned that I like to be in control? And there might be something about unrealistic expectations mixed in there too, but whatever. I was going to have the most perfect, healthy pregnancy ever in the history of the world. No carbs! No sugar! Meat and veggies and exercise and PERFECT.

So, yeah. Let's begin at 4 weeks 4 days pregnant. For those of you who don't know, the first two weeks of pregnancy you're not even pregnant. They are freebies. The next two weeks, you're "pregnant," but you don't even know it yet. Then, you miss your month visit from Aunt Flo and BAM! You're pregnant, you know it, and the rainbows and unicorns unite into a field of happiness and minimal weight gain.

So, ANYWAY, back to me at 4 weeks 4 days pregnant. I had know at this point for exactly 4 days. I hadn't told a single soul, except my hubby, obvi. Everything is going perfectly, just as I had imagined. I hadn't even gained any weight yet! This pregnancy was PERFECT.

Then I started bleeding.

It was a lot. I wouldn't even call it bleeding. Technically it's called "spotting," but, in truth, it's blood and it's scary as hell. But, I remain calm. It's just a little bit. It will go away. I think it's less than last time I checked. It can't be anything bad. So I mostly ignored it.

Then I started cramping.

Oh crap.  So off to the hospital we went, and many, MANY hours later we found out that everything was "probably" okay, and that I should follow up with my OB/GYN ASAP. So I did. He said "All we can do is cross our fingers. You need to stop all heavy lifting and doing anything stressful."

Um, what?

Am I still pregnant? Is everything okay? Come back in a week, he said, we'll know better then.

So, for a week, I did very little. I went for walks drank lots of water, and prayed. The day before my appointment, it happened again. My blood work came back fine, but again, my doctor said no heavy lifting or doing anything that would stress my body out.

So now I'm two weeks out of exercising, but at least I'm still eating healthy, right? So it can't be too bad. As long as the baby is okay. Well, baby made it's presence know at 6 weeks 4 days (something about that plus 4 might really click in there!), when I began puking my brains out.

I was overcome with a sudden urge to puke constantly. CONSTANTLY. If I wasn't puking, I was thinking about puking. I also was constantly tired and yet, unable to sleep because of the constant urge to puke. The weirdest part? My doctor said these were good signs. Um, yay?

So I tried. I really did try to eat healthy. I choked down some eggs, only to promtly puke them up. Finally, I gave in. Dry crackers might help? Fine. FINE. I try it. Gatorade might stay down longer then plain water? Please, PLEASE let it help, because I'm so dehydrated! After about a week and a half of sustaining on nothing but cereal, crackers and ginger ale, tacos sounded appetizing. TACOS? Whatever, I haven't had protein in longer then I'd like to admit, I'll try it.

And to my surprise? They stayed down. I slowly added in a few more things, some to VERY bad results, but most to moderately okay results. But paleo? Healthy all the time? Certainly not. But at least now I can try.

The spotting continued though, and so exercise became sporadic at best. I try walking, I tried rowing, I tried kettlebells. But everytime I started, something knocked me on my feet again.

BUT, fast forward to now. I'm 14 weeks 4 days pregnant and out of the "red zone" where a lot of the risks of miscarriage lie. The baby has a healthy heartbeat, and so far everything looks good! And finally, FINALLY I'm feeling good again!

What that has meant though, is that I'm constantly hungry now. Sigh. I went from keeping nothing down and being secretly excited that I wasn't gaining weight to gaining 8 pounds out of nowhere. And of course freaking out about it. I don't look pregnant. I look fat. Excercise is still sporadic because I'm still so tired and work as been nutty, and I have a hard time being healthy all the time. I'm not paleo, I've added back gluten and whatnot, but still pretty healthy Monday to Friday. But then the weekend comes and all I want is mac 'n cheese and french fries. Which is not healthy for me OR the baby.

This has been a major rollercoaster. How do I come to terms with gaining weight, not eating 100% healthy all the time and sporadic exercise? And the thought that it will only get worse once the baby comes scares me too. This whole thing scares me. Disorder eating and pregnancy is not an easy road.

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